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The 25 Funniest Real Estate Jokes Ever Written

The 25 Funniest Real Estate Jokes Ever Written

What fun is being a real estate agent if you can’t laugh at yourself? From dad jokes to punny favorites, bookmark these hilarious ditties to break the ice at your next open house with our favorite real estate jokes from around the web.


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Why Real Estate Jokes?

Let’s face it — you have a stressful job. Sometimes, it’s best to unwind with a good belly laugh. After all, stress relief from laughter is no joke. The Mayo Clinic found in a recent study that laughter relieves stress, increases your oxygen intake, and increases endorphin activity.

With health benefits like that, there’s no reason not read a good real estate joke from time to time. In fact, you’ll find that most of these will hit home.

Our 25 Favorite Real Estate Jokes

What’s the harm in having a corny joke to tell at the water cooler? Read them all now!

1. No Carpets, Please

As a featured image for a piece on real estate jokes, Ew. It's so gross. Young woman with disgusted expression repulsing something. Disgust concept. Young emotional woman. Human emotions, facial expression concept. Studio. Isolated on trendy pink color

Master1305/Shutterstock

90% of people hate carpeting. The other 10% hate your carpeting.

2. Novels for Sale

Why don’t real estate agents read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

3. How About an IOU?

If you owe the bank $100, that’s your problem. If you owe the bank 300 grand, that’s the bank’s problem.

4. I’m Kind of a Big Deal

Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the oceanside mansion? It was too current.

5. Real Estate Investors

A real estate investor was surprised to see all of his houses had been broken into. After all, he is the world’s best theft detective. If there’s one thing he does best, it’s that he Sherlocks Holmes.

6. Real Estate Sales

I was offered the chance to buy some real estate in Egypt’s Valley of the Kings, but it turned out to be just a pyramid selling scheme.

7. Before and After

My realtor sold me a two story house…one story before the sale, and another after.

8. Happy Realtor

Real estate sign in red hangs outside of a nice cape-cod-style house as a photo for a piece on real estate jokes

Billion Photos/Shutterstock

What did the happy realtor put on her sign? I have lots to be thankful for.

9. Best Sellers

My bread and butter are listings with finished basements. They’re my best cellars!

10. Phone Is Ringing off the Hook

“I need a raise in my commission,” the Realtor said to her Managing Broker. “There are four other companies after me.” “Oh really?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?”

“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”

11. Never Tell a Lie

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move. His rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.

He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. Then he took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, “How many children do you have?”

He answered, “12 children.”

The agent asked “Where are the others?’

The lawyer answered, with a sad look, “They are in the cemetery with their mother.”

And that’s the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

12. Joker Brokers

What’s a mortgage broker? A real estate agent without the sense of humor.

13. Crushing the Competition

A small real estate broker was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read, Best Agents.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading Lowest Commissions.

The small real estate broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read, Main Entrance.

14. Picture Perfect

I’m no photographer, but I can picture you in this house.

15. Social Butterfly

You must have a killer Facebook ad strategy because you made quite the impression on me.

16. Pick-Up Artist

Screenshot of the strict airbnb refund policy recap

Artazum/Shutterstock

With curb appeal like that you’re a prime property in my heart’s MLS.

17. Last Wishes

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor, and his real estate agent to his bedside.

“Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me,” he said.

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”

The real estate agent was aghast and said, “I’m ashamed of both of you, I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

18. Kids These Days

The older generation’s dream was to pay off the mortgage. The younger generation’s dream is to get one.

19. Deal With the Devil

The Devil appears to a real estate agent one day and says to him, “Listen, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any other real estate agent in the world. In fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever walked the Earth.”

The real estate agent likes the sound of this and asks the Devil, “That sounds good. What do I have to do in return?”

The Devil smiles slyly and says, “Obviously, you have to give me your soul. But you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children’s children. In fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity.”

“Wait a minute,” the Real Estate Agent says cautiously. “What’s the catch?”

20. Truck Stop

Do truckers prefer houses with long haul ways?

21. Put Me to Sleep

What does an appraiser’s wife say if she can’t sleep? “Honey, tell me about your day at work.”

22. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

I finally figured out how to make a million dollars in the real estate business. You start out with two million.

23. It’s My First Time

Talking to you makes me feel like a first time homebuyer: nervous but thrilled.

24. Condo Culture

Modern Interiors Penthouse Condo Kitchen as a featured image for a piece on a real estate joke about a condo

Karen Culp/Shutterstock

Is the down payment to buy an apartment a condo-minimum?

25. Traffic Stop

A California Highway Patrolman pulls over a speeding motorist. He walks up to the window, and says, “Can I see your real estate license, please?”

The driver responds, “Don’t you mean my driver’s license?”

“No,” says the patrolman. “Not everyone in California has one of those.”

What’s Your Favorite Real Estate Joke?

We hope you loved our favorite real estate jokes. A good laugh is always important, especially in a high-stress profession. Make sure to also check out our other resources while you’re here!

Click for Frequently Asked Questions

What did the happy realtor put on her sign?

I have lots to be thankful for.

What’s a mortgage broker?

A real estate agent without the sense of humor.

What does an appraiser’s wife say if she can’t sleep?

“Honey, tell me about your day at work.”

Why don’t real estate agents read novels?

Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the oceanside mansion?

It was too current.

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